September 28, 2022

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After students, prisoners now demand mid-term jail break

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Inspired by the wild success of the secondary school students who burnt their way out of the institutions, prisoners are now demanding a mid-term jail break.

 Impeachable sources say the inmates have threatened that if their demands are not met, they will throw a tantrum that will make the high school kids’ actions seem like, well, child’s play.

The prisoners argue that having spent months, years or even decades in the institutions, they deserve a breather.

They also complain that Kenyans are not sending them enough pocket money as they should be and a midterm break would allow them to go out and collect the money themselves.

“Many Kenyans are not responding to our pocket money requests that we have been sending to their phones as they used to in the past.

They are becoming very mean and if the trend continues, we will soon starve. But before that happens, we will go out and get the money from them,” said Tuma Fuliza, an inmate in one of the elite prisons.

And like the students, they say, they will find innovative, or even better, means to get themselves out if they are not listened to by the authorities.

“We can pull off better tricks than the children…remember none of us is here because we were good at teaching Sunday school. We rightly earned our admission to these institutions and the talents that brought us here can be put to good use,” said Jailbird Sugu, a renowned Kamiti resident.

Speaking on behalf of his colleagues, Sugu said the recent spate of jailbreaks were mere weekend sneak outs by a few vanguards to remind the administration that a mid-term break was long overdue.

 Besides the prisoners needing a breather, Sugu said the comrades, sorry, inmates need to go out there and carry out their practical exams after completing their radicalisation theory lessons.

Many of the inmates, he said, were eager to put into practice the knowledge that they have acquired at the institutions of dire learning.

He said inmates in the country’s elite Evil League institutions were in particular brimming with fire and brimstone and were raring to go out to the world and showcase the skills that they have acquired.

“Some of them came here as gentle as a lamb but thanks to the right environment and the expert instruction from hardcore tutors, they have been turned into weapons of mass destruction.

They are ripe for practicals,” said Sugu. Others, he added, want to back to the world and finish projects that were left halfway when they were rudely interrupted by the long arm of the law.

“There are robberies to be pulled off, grenades and bombs that did not go off, murders to be done, bank heists that were about to succeed but for a few silly mistakes… these jobs need to be completed and a mid-term break would be such a splendid opportunity to finish what was started,” he said.

 He intimated that other inmates were eager to go back to society and spend the money that they have earned while they were behind bars, thanks to Kenyans’ famous generosity and gullibility.

 “Thanks to mobile money, this has been the golden era of Kenya’s prisons. But then one needs to be in a place where the money can be spent,” Sugu observed.

By press time, the authorities were considering forming a taskforce to consider the inmates’ mid-term demands.

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